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Friday, July 1, 2011
3:20am
Sleep may come easy to a weary man's flesh, but what sleep is there that can mend a heart!? Healing comes in living but these nights are too long. I wait here in the mourning before morning and gasp at a hope in a song! I cant hear my breathing. These minutes just drag on... Until, I decide to break the silence. The strings of my lute whisper. "There is hope in this sad song."
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Night Out
Well that was, interesting! Just got back from a night out with some new local friends. We went to a hookah bar to send off Nicky as she leaves for a film in Miami tomorrow. What was interesting is that I've never smoked hookah before. I had a good time, enjoyed the hookah. I'll pay attention to how my voice reacts over the next couple of weeks. I think it might actually help my singing voice. I can already put a lot more volume into singing, but the pitch is off and my range is lessoned. This will be interesting. :puts On goggles: Its time for SCIENCE!!
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Sunday, February 6, 2011
6:30am.
Alone in the dark.
Classic guitar riffs, anthems of a genera,fading softly into the shadows.
Beyond the light of a single dim bulb the mess of a life I never wanted, sprawls across the floor of my room. Hiding in the shadows are a million memories I didn't choose. Haunting thoughts of should haves and ought to be..
I wish there where a friend in those shadows.
Anyone who could bring joy back to stillness.
Silence, stillness,beautiful things who's beauty passes through my fingers like the darkness all around me.
Alone with shadows and songs I know I'm not enough.
Which composer was it that said "silence is perfect music."?
...Only if the lister isn't alone.
why
What good is why?
How can't help me.
When and where don't make since!
What I've just described.
Who...
Who else?
I have a lot of stupid mistakes in my trash bin, but the things that hurt..
The things that should have been, aren't because God made them so.
I don't know where im going with these words.
Right now its as if the bulb is feeding off them and if I stop writing the shadows will overtake my tiny patch of light.
WHY GOD?
Why don't You love me?
Why can't You love me because I am Your son?
Why can't you love me as the man I am instead of a burned out shell for the man You really love?
I don't want to surrender to death at the hands of my replacement.
You haven't given me any experience of the love of a father, but I know that's not the love this little boy's broken heart bleeds for with moaning too deep for hearing and crying too deep for tears.
I LOVE YOU DADDY!
I wanna love Jesus too, but I hate Him because You choose Hims instead of me.
How can I love You when you will only love me as I am like Jesus?
I so want to God.
With everything I am, but that will never be what You desire.
...
Why
Classic guitar riffs, anthems of a genera,fading softly into the shadows.
Beyond the light of a single dim bulb the mess of a life I never wanted, sprawls across the floor of my room. Hiding in the shadows are a million memories I didn't choose. Haunting thoughts of should haves and ought to be..
I wish there where a friend in those shadows.
Anyone who could bring joy back to stillness.
Silence, stillness,beautiful things who's beauty passes through my fingers like the darkness all around me.
Alone with shadows and songs I know I'm not enough.
Which composer was it that said "silence is perfect music."?
...Only if the lister isn't alone.
why
What good is why?
How can't help me.
When and where don't make since!
What I've just described.
Who...
Who else?
I have a lot of stupid mistakes in my trash bin, but the things that hurt..
The things that should have been, aren't because God made them so.
I don't know where im going with these words.
Right now its as if the bulb is feeding off them and if I stop writing the shadows will overtake my tiny patch of light.
WHY GOD?
Why don't You love me?
Why can't You love me because I am Your son?
Why can't you love me as the man I am instead of a burned out shell for the man You really love?
I don't want to surrender to death at the hands of my replacement.
You haven't given me any experience of the love of a father, but I know that's not the love this little boy's broken heart bleeds for with moaning too deep for hearing and crying too deep for tears.
I LOVE YOU DADDY!
I wanna love Jesus too, but I hate Him because You choose Hims instead of me.
How can I love You when you will only love me as I am like Jesus?
I so want to God.
With everything I am, but that will never be what You desire.
...
Why
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Monday, December 20, 2010
I think its time for the rest of you too get a glimpse of where I've been.
Im still in the furnace and I covet your prayers on my behalf. Right now I am learning to keep my eyes fixed on Christ and live from His heart. Every moment is a fight to believe what I know.
I love you all.
Im sharing this with you because I believe God put us here to be together. We are a community of real people and this isn't a mascerade. For the first time with many of you I am not looking for courage or an answer to my fears. I think it is time for you to know. Guard your hearts. Hold to what you know to be true. Don't let my pain cause you to stumble. Please friends. I want you to wrap because it is good for you to wrap, but do not let the wiping of your eyes move them from Jesus. I love you all too much for that. Please cry with me in worship of the God who loves us enough to deal the deepest hurts.
As He loves you, let it be.
What light can pierce a darkness that it loves?
The light that is love and was pierced to make the darkness worthy.
What is it about times like this that make me wish I where more a poet?
There is safety in mastery of words. I find that I can dull the vacuous echoes of my insufficiency, if I can only convince myself that I know. Really know. The kind of knowing that God has for Himself out of which He created everything and even now rules over it. If only I can make myself believe I have a hint of that kind of knowing, then... Then, I can have an answer for the dragons who spread their wings and breathe burning smoke all around me, their eyes full of ripping and chomping. All of it in malice toward me.
They tell me such convincing lies about my weakness that I far too often believe them.
I am not a fool. Tho I am foolish in many ways, there is a very big gap in that ish.
My strength comes from God...
I know this.
I know this!
But, honestly, I don't really believe He loves me.
Oh yeas! God has a great deal of overwhelmingly powerful affection, a portion of which spills out on me, standing here beside His real children. The ones He really loves.
I want to be His favorite son. I want to be the one He delights in, the one He honors and respects. I want God to admire me. More than anything I want Him to need me.
I need God to have made, me in just such a way that there is something I can do, that is of absolute utmost importance to Him, that He can't do through anybody else.
The problem is, I need Him to do all this for me before I can let myself trust Him, which is the very key to Him doing all this.
God already took away my masculinity once.
God stripped me from my father. He denied me my birthright as the firstborn son of my fathers flesh and I became not a man, but one more of His brainy pets. A plaything for an eternally complete God who doesnt need anything and up and decided that something else ought to need Him.
Instead of the firstborn son of privilege, in an afternoon I became one of the millions of Gods orphans.
I was no longer needed n any level. There was no longer anything only I could do, because I wasn't special anymore.
God ripped away the only thing I needed when I had never had a chance to accept it from Him. He thrust my father on me, then tore Him from me. Somewhere to one side I shattered. I don't need to tell you which side was on.
That moment my three year old heart was forced into a mans world by the blade of a mans sword, wielded by God, being thrust through my heart.
It took me six years to pull that sword out. By that time I had so many other wounds dealt to that same tender flesh that I had already, at the age of nine years old, given up all hope of ever healing.
The wound did eventually close roughly four years later. However the hate I had called to answer it remained.
Over the years I have pulled myself, inch by inch, all these many miles to where I am today.
Don't get me wrong, I haven't been unaided.
Tho I haven't trusted Him, Gd has for the most part stayed by my side.
Even more valuable to me than that, He has also sent me several genuinely epic friendships.
I would very likely be dead right now if it weren't for feeling needed by them, and later loved deeply and selflessly by them.
Recently however God has shown me that He will still pull through for them even if I don't.
It deemed that I had one remaining thing worth dying for, and then God showed me that my death to them really didn't matter anyway. I am just another of God's orphans. Useless, un-needed, unloved.
I need to be more than this.
I need to be more than I can trust God to make me.
I am lost, and scared,wherry, wounded, bleeding out for what I fear will be the last time, and in all of it, God still wont tell me what I need to do.
I need to trust Him.
HOW!
My anger and hate are so fresh again I feel like cursing! My heart lashes like a furious little boy.
Im suspended here in the dark, flailing my feet and fists in the nothing, crying out for seething to connect with.
I love Him more than anything, but I lie Him like I believe He loves me.
I want to trust Him, but.
There is something deep in me that is too afraid to hear.
I listen, knowing that I can decide what to do with it once its come through my brain once. But I still don't trust Him enough to listen.
I don't know how to end this.
Truthfully it shouldn't have one. There isn't any bow.
No resolution.
No wisdom.
No light at all, end of the tunnel be damned.
But still...
End.'>Note: Captives Log
Im still in the furnace and I covet your prayers on my behalf. Right now I am learning to keep my eyes fixed on Christ and live from His heart. Every moment is a fight to believe what I know.
I love you all.
Im sharing this with you because I believe God put us here to be together. We are a community of real people and this isn't a mascerade. For the first time with many of you I am not looking for courage or an answer to my fears. I think it is time for you to know. Guard your hearts. Hold to what you know to be true. Don't let my pain cause you to stumble. Please friends. I want you to wrap because it is good for you to wrap, but do not let the wiping of your eyes move them from Jesus. I love you all too much for that. Please cry with me in worship of the God who loves us enough to deal the deepest hurts.
As He loves you, let it be.
What light can pierce a darkness that it loves?
The light that is love and was pierced to make the darkness worthy.
What is it about times like this that make me wish I where more a poet?
There is safety in mastery of words. I find that I can dull the vacuous echoes of my insufficiency, if I can only convince myself that I know. Really know. The kind of knowing that God has for Himself out of which He created everything and even now rules over it. If only I can make myself believe I have a hint of that kind of knowing, then... Then, I can have an answer for the dragons who spread their wings and breathe burning smoke all around me, their eyes full of ripping and chomping. All of it in malice toward me.
They tell me such convincing lies about my weakness that I far too often believe them.
I am not a fool. Tho I am foolish in many ways, there is a very big gap in that ish.
My strength comes from God...
I know this.
I know this!
But, honestly, I don't really believe He loves me.
Oh yeas! God has a great deal of overwhelmingly powerful affection, a portion of which spills out on me, standing here beside His real children. The ones He really loves.
I want to be His favorite son. I want to be the one He delights in, the one He honors and respects. I want God to admire me. More than anything I want Him to need me.
I need God to have made, me in just such a way that there is something I can do, that is of absolute utmost importance to Him, that He can't do through anybody else.
The problem is, I need Him to do all this for me before I can let myself trust Him, which is the very key to Him doing all this.
God already took away my masculinity once.
God stripped me from my father. He denied me my birthright as the firstborn son of my fathers flesh and I became not a man, but one more of His brainy pets. A plaything for an eternally complete God who doesnt need anything and up and decided that something else ought to need Him.
Instead of the firstborn son of privilege, in an afternoon I became one of the millions of Gods orphans.
I was no longer needed n any level. There was no longer anything only I could do, because I wasn't special anymore.
God ripped away the only thing I needed when I had never had a chance to accept it from Him. He thrust my father on me, then tore Him from me. Somewhere to one side I shattered. I don't need to tell you which side was on.
That moment my three year old heart was forced into a mans world by the blade of a mans sword, wielded by God, being thrust through my heart.
It took me six years to pull that sword out. By that time I had so many other wounds dealt to that same tender flesh that I had already, at the age of nine years old, given up all hope of ever healing.
The wound did eventually close roughly four years later. However the hate I had called to answer it remained.
Over the years I have pulled myself, inch by inch, all these many miles to where I am today.
Don't get me wrong, I haven't been unaided.
Tho I haven't trusted Him, Gd has for the most part stayed by my side.
Even more valuable to me than that, He has also sent me several genuinely epic friendships.
I would very likely be dead right now if it weren't for feeling needed by them, and later loved deeply and selflessly by them.
Recently however God has shown me that He will still pull through for them even if I don't.
It deemed that I had one remaining thing worth dying for, and then God showed me that my death to them really didn't matter anyway. I am just another of God's orphans. Useless, un-needed, unloved.
I need to be more than this.
I need to be more than I can trust God to make me.
I am lost, and scared,wherry, wounded, bleeding out for what I fear will be the last time, and in all of it, God still wont tell me what I need to do.
I need to trust Him.
HOW!
My anger and hate are so fresh again I feel like cursing! My heart lashes like a furious little boy.
Im suspended here in the dark, flailing my feet and fists in the nothing, crying out for seething to connect with.
I love Him more than anything, but I lie Him like I believe He loves me.
I want to trust Him, but.
There is something deep in me that is too afraid to hear.
I listen, knowing that I can decide what to do with it once its come through my brain once. But I still don't trust Him enough to listen.
I don't know how to end this.
Truthfully it shouldn't have one. There isn't any bow.
No resolution.
No wisdom.
No light at all, end of the tunnel be damned.
But still...
End.'>Note: Captives Log
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Monday, July 19, 2010
The Axe Of Destiny
Im buying a new guitar! (probably)
I have been playing for almost a ear and my sound has developed beyond the ability of my current guitar to support. So! Im stepping up.
Here are the ones Im looking at.
Damien solo 6Damien Solo 6 SBK
ESP LTD Deluxe EC-1000
Schecter Guitar Research Hellraiser Special
ESP LTD EC-401
Schecter Guitar Research Damien 6 Electric Guitar
Ibanez DN500K Darkstone
What do you guys think? Looks matter too. If you dont think you know enough about guitars to say which one is "best" then please tell me which one you like the most, or which one looks the prettiest to you. I want to hear from everyone! Hopefully you'll see me with it a lot, and so I want you to be as happy with it as I am :)
PS.
For those of you who know what your doing when picking a guitar...
This is only my second guitar and Im still pretty new to it.
I am pretty confident with my playing, but I still have a lot to learn about choosing the best guitar for my style. So, if anyone out there knows anything that could help, please let me know. I play almost exclusively Death metal and Gothic metal, but I also want to learn some symphonic/classical metal. I like my tones heavy and clear. I want the guitar to be concussive, but not noisy. My ear is pretty good for this sort of thing, but I know very little on the technical side of things.
Thanks everyone for your input.
This is a big thing for me and I know you all are behind me :)
I have been playing for almost a ear and my sound has developed beyond the ability of my current guitar to support. So! Im stepping up.
Here are the ones Im looking at.
Damien solo 6Damien Solo 6 SBK
ESP LTD Deluxe EC-1000
Schecter Guitar Research Hellraiser Special
ESP LTD EC-401
Schecter Guitar Research Damien 6 Electric Guitar
Ibanez DN500K Darkstone
What do you guys think? Looks matter too. If you dont think you know enough about guitars to say which one is "best" then please tell me which one you like the most, or which one looks the prettiest to you. I want to hear from everyone! Hopefully you'll see me with it a lot, and so I want you to be as happy with it as I am :)
PS.
For those of you who know what your doing when picking a guitar...
This is only my second guitar and Im still pretty new to it.
I am pretty confident with my playing, but I still have a lot to learn about choosing the best guitar for my style. So, if anyone out there knows anything that could help, please let me know. I play almost exclusively Death metal and Gothic metal, but I also want to learn some symphonic/classical metal. I like my tones heavy and clear. I want the guitar to be concussive, but not noisy. My ear is pretty good for this sort of thing, but I know very little on the technical side of things.
Thanks everyone for your input.
This is a big thing for me and I know you all are behind me :)
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Blessing A Rose And The Blessing Of My Sisters
I want to get my sister Rose something nice to take with her on a great adventure that God has called her to.
I haven't figured out what Im getting her yet
I know how much God used several ICC Interns in my life, and I remember how much I treasured every word or small token they gave to me.
I believe God will use Rose like
He used Queen Helen, or Strider in my life.
I want to send her off with something she can make for those students.
Something that will always remind them of the way God used her in their lives.
do you have any ideas?
I make these bracelets for my sisters
They are a monument to our relationship. A memorial to the truth and context of our love.
...
I have this against purity rings, they can be taken off, easily.
I appreciate the symbolism of making a public and present monument to a covenant with God, but there is something not quite right if it can be hidden or lost.
I wear around my neck a line of 320lb break weight para-cord necklace tied in an inter woven monkeys fist around a steel ball bearing. There is only the one knot, and it can no be untied or removed. I tied it just tight enough that I can't ever take it off without cutting something, and I fused the ends down into the knot. This thing is seriously tougher than the gordian knot. If good old Alexander the great tried to slice this knot in half he would end up breaking his sword on the steel core without even causing critical failure of the knot.
My bracelets for my sisters are like this purity knot.
But not quite the same. Instead of weaving a single knot from the ends of the rope I tie the knot from the middle to symbolize the love of Christ in us that we both share.
Instead of the two individuals becoming one, it is the one love of Christ for His church becoming one through our love for one another.
The two remaining ends are joined in slip knots around the other string
symbolizing both parties holding to each other like Romans12:10.
because they are slip knots the tighter the tension between them, the tighter the bond holding them together.
The bracelets are made of pink masons line.
The masons line symbolizes an ongoing work
the work of growing closer to God.
The pink symbolizes the perfection of God's love covered by the blood of Jesus Christ who has paid the debt of our sins and given us the strength to love each other as we should.
The knot I wear around my beck no longer has an end. It is one continuous loop around my neck.
The bracelets do have an end.
Unlike my relationship with my wife, which is until death at very earliest (when I mentioned earlier that my necklace can't be removed without something being cut I was speaking of the para cord, and my neck.) my relationship with my sisters will likely come to an end. "For this reason a man must leave his family and cling to his wife.” [Genesis 2:24] It is among my deepest prayers that God will not require I leave their lives entirely, but the relationship will change, growing closer at times, more distant at others. It is because of this that the bracelets are a broken circle. The slip knots allow for movement. The ties can both be untied altogether aswell...
I love my sisters very much, by now you should know that, but the relationship I am blessed to have with them now will not last forever. It is a blessing for this time. And tho the fruit of these relationships will continue to bless me throughout the rest of my life to my very death bed, the vines are in the valleys, and God has called me to conquer mountains. He will call me away from this bliss tho it breaks my heart to think of it now.
So now you know a little more of what my sisters mean to me, and what the bracelets we wear mean. I should probably say that none of these girls are related to me by any other blood than Christ's. They are sisters to me as we are both God's children, and as He gives me a portion of His infinite love to share with them. I do love them very much, and I treasure them among my greatest and most undeserved blessings.
I jump at every chance to bless them.
And that brings me back to blessing Rose and not knowing the best way to do that.
I am somewhat protective of the symbolism in the bracelets, and while I pray often that God will bring richous and loving philial relationships into their lives, and I would be happy if they chose to pass on the blessing of the bracelets to those siblings; I don't want the symbolism of the bracelets to be watered down.
I want to send Rose off with a token that reflects her and reminds those she passes them off the ways God worked through all that He has made her to impact their lives.
I love her dearly, and I know her, I think better than anyone else I know, or have known... Yet somehow the only thing I can think of that is her art- that is, the most perfect overflow of her spirit, is worship. She loves God so much.
Glorifying Him is the most natural thing for her to do.
I want my gift for her to give to reflect the way she constantly worships God.
Does anyone have any ideas?
Those of you who know my sisters probably know who I'm talking about, but if you want to be sure just ask.
Please be pondering this with me, and pray about it.
I firmly believe that God will bless many people through my sister HannahM. I am determined to do my very best to make that blessing as lasting and as special as she is to me.
-Ad augusta per angusta-
I haven't figured out what Im getting her yet
I know how much God used several ICC Interns in my life, and I remember how much I treasured every word or small token they gave to me.
I believe God will use Rose like
He used Queen Helen, or Strider in my life.
I want to send her off with something she can make for those students.
Something that will always remind them of the way God used her in their lives.
do you have any ideas?
I make these bracelets for my sisters
They are a monument to our relationship. A memorial to the truth and context of our love.
...
I have this against purity rings, they can be taken off, easily.
I appreciate the symbolism of making a public and present monument to a covenant with God, but there is something not quite right if it can be hidden or lost.
I wear around my neck a line of 320lb break weight para-cord necklace tied in an inter woven monkeys fist around a steel ball bearing. There is only the one knot, and it can no be untied or removed. I tied it just tight enough that I can't ever take it off without cutting something, and I fused the ends down into the knot. This thing is seriously tougher than the gordian knot. If good old Alexander the great tried to slice this knot in half he would end up breaking his sword on the steel core without even causing critical failure of the knot.
My bracelets for my sisters are like this purity knot.
But not quite the same. Instead of weaving a single knot from the ends of the rope I tie the knot from the middle to symbolize the love of Christ in us that we both share.
Instead of the two individuals becoming one, it is the one love of Christ for His church becoming one through our love for one another.
The two remaining ends are joined in slip knots around the other string
symbolizing both parties holding to each other like Romans12:10.
because they are slip knots the tighter the tension between them, the tighter the bond holding them together.
The bracelets are made of pink masons line.
The masons line symbolizes an ongoing work
the work of growing closer to God.
The pink symbolizes the perfection of God's love covered by the blood of Jesus Christ who has paid the debt of our sins and given us the strength to love each other as we should.
The knot I wear around my beck no longer has an end. It is one continuous loop around my neck.
The bracelets do have an end.
Unlike my relationship with my wife, which is until death at very earliest (when I mentioned earlier that my necklace can't be removed without something being cut I was speaking of the para cord, and my neck.) my relationship with my sisters will likely come to an end. "For this reason a man must leave his family and cling to his wife.” [Genesis 2:24] It is among my deepest prayers that God will not require I leave their lives entirely, but the relationship will change, growing closer at times, more distant at others. It is because of this that the bracelets are a broken circle. The slip knots allow for movement. The ties can both be untied altogether aswell...
I love my sisters very much, by now you should know that, but the relationship I am blessed to have with them now will not last forever. It is a blessing for this time. And tho the fruit of these relationships will continue to bless me throughout the rest of my life to my very death bed, the vines are in the valleys, and God has called me to conquer mountains. He will call me away from this bliss tho it breaks my heart to think of it now.
So now you know a little more of what my sisters mean to me, and what the bracelets we wear mean. I should probably say that none of these girls are related to me by any other blood than Christ's. They are sisters to me as we are both God's children, and as He gives me a portion of His infinite love to share with them. I do love them very much, and I treasure them among my greatest and most undeserved blessings.
I jump at every chance to bless them.
And that brings me back to blessing Rose and not knowing the best way to do that.
I am somewhat protective of the symbolism in the bracelets, and while I pray often that God will bring richous and loving philial relationships into their lives, and I would be happy if they chose to pass on the blessing of the bracelets to those siblings; I don't want the symbolism of the bracelets to be watered down.
I want to send Rose off with a token that reflects her and reminds those she passes them off the ways God worked through all that He has made her to impact their lives.
I love her dearly, and I know her, I think better than anyone else I know, or have known... Yet somehow the only thing I can think of that is her art- that is, the most perfect overflow of her spirit, is worship. She loves God so much.
Glorifying Him is the most natural thing for her to do.
I want my gift for her to give to reflect the way she constantly worships God.
Does anyone have any ideas?
Those of you who know my sisters probably know who I'm talking about, but if you want to be sure just ask.
Please be pondering this with me, and pray about it.
I firmly believe that God will bless many people through my sister HannahM. I am determined to do my very best to make that blessing as lasting and as special as she is to me.
-Ad augusta per angusta-
Monday, June 21, 2010
Lewis Strikes Again
This is the last glass of tea tonight. I promise. (it's 6:43am)
I've allready forceably, and against my will, closed the cover on my copy of God In The Dock. I highly recamend this book. It's simply... Well, it's the best of Lewis. It's the Christian worldview, not exactly simply, but clearly, without the muck of philosophical abstractions who's primery importance in the big picture is the amusement of the arguers. I've just been reading Lewis's essay titled Miracles. I deem this an absolute must read for every Christian who has lived for any amount of time within a "western civilization." The vastness of God's miraculous acting in "our" world is astonashing. To put in in my own words - God is like a masturful pianist, and creation is His insturment. But sometimes He does something unexpected. Occaisionally He will reach out, and hammer the strings directly instead of letting the piano do the same thing in a more "normal" way. Sometimes He even plucs them, or plays upon them with a bow. All in perfect time, each bringing new flavor to the masturpiece He is performing. Let's not close our ears to every sound that isn't "normal" for a piano to make. Let us allways keep at the forefront of our minds the reality of the Pianist.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod Touch
I've allready forceably, and against my will, closed the cover on my copy of God In The Dock. I highly recamend this book. It's simply... Well, it's the best of Lewis. It's the Christian worldview, not exactly simply, but clearly, without the muck of philosophical abstractions who's primery importance in the big picture is the amusement of the arguers. I've just been reading Lewis's essay titled Miracles. I deem this an absolute must read for every Christian who has lived for any amount of time within a "western civilization." The vastness of God's miraculous acting in "our" world is astonashing. To put in in my own words - God is like a masturful pianist, and creation is His insturment. But sometimes He does something unexpected. Occaisionally He will reach out, and hammer the strings directly instead of letting the piano do the same thing in a more "normal" way. Sometimes He even plucs them, or plays upon them with a bow. All in perfect time, each bringing new flavor to the masturpiece He is performing. Let's not close our ears to every sound that isn't "normal" for a piano to make. Let us allways keep at the forefront of our minds the reality of the Pianist.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod Touch
Friday, May 28, 2010
Personal Fitness Merit Badge Fitness Plan
Pers Fit is one of the last big merit badges between me and the rank of Eagle Scout. The two major requirements are "
- Outline a comprehensive 12-week physical fitness program using the results of your fitness tests. Be sure your program incorporates the endurance, intensity, and warm-up guidelines discussed in the Personal Fitness merit badge pamphlet. Before beginning your exercises, have the program approved by your counselor and parents.
- Complete the physical fitness program you outlined in requirement 7. Keep a log of your fitness program activity (how long you exercised; how far you ran, swam, or biked; how many exercise repetitions you completed; your exercise heart rate; etc.). Repeat the aerobic fitness, muscular strength, and flexibility tests every two weeks and record your results. After the 12th week, repeat all four tests, record your results, and show improvement in each one. Compare and analyze your preprogram and postprogram body composition measurements. Discuss the meaning and benefit of your experience, and describe your long-term plans." (from http://meritbadge.org/wiki/index.php/Personal_Fitness#Personal_Fitness_Requirements)
10 minute stretch warm up twice a day this week
15 pull ups
15 push ups
30 sit ups
^Twice a day three days this week
20 mile bike ride
Off site training two days a week [Aiguille]
Eat according to my blood type two day this week
Week Two:
10 minute stretch warm up twice a day this week 15 pull ups
15 push ups
30 sit ups
^Twice a day three days this week
20 mile bike ride
Off site training two days a week [Aiguille]
Eat according to my blood type two day this week
Week Three:
10 minute stretch warm up twice a day this week 25 pull ups
25 push ups
50 sit ups
^Twice a day three days this week
20 mile bike ride
Off site training two days this week
Eat according to my blood type two day this week
Week Four:
10 minute stretch warm up twice a day this week 30 pull ups
30 push ups
60 sit ups
^Twice a day three days this week
15 mile bike ride twice this week
Off site training three days this week
Eat according to my blood type three days this week
Week Five:
10 minute stretch warm up twice a day this week 30 pull ups
30 push ups
60 sit ups
^Twice a day three days this week
15 mile bike ride twice this week
Off site training three days this week
Eat according to my blood type three days this week
Week Six:
10 minute stretch warm up twice a day this week 40 pull ups
40 push ups
80 sit ups
^Twice a day three days this week
20 mile bike ride twice this week
Off site training three days this week
Eat according to my blood type three days this weekWeek Seven:
10 minute stretch warm up twice a day this week 50 pull ups
50 push ups
100 sit ups
^ Twice a day three days this week
25 mile bike ride twice this week
Off site training three times this week must be more than one place eg. Aiguille and a gym/ martial art/ dance lesson
Eat according to my blood type three days this weekWeek Eight:
10 minute stretch warm up twice a day this week 50 pull ups
50 push ups
100 sit ups
^ Twice a day three days this week
25 mile bike ride twice this week
Off site training three times this week must be more than one place eg. Aiguille and a gym/ martial art/ dance lesson
Eat according to my blood type three days this week Calastetics with partner 30 mins once this week
Week Nine:
10 minute stretch warm up twice a day this week 50 pull ups
50 push ups
100 sit ups
^ Twice a day three days this week
25 mile bike ride twice this week
Off site training three times this week must be more than one place eg. Aiguille and a gym/ martial art/ dance lesson
Eat according to my blood type three days this week Calastetics with partner 30 mins once this week
Week Ten:
10 minute stretch warm up twice a day this week 60 pull ups
60 push ups
120 sit ups
^Twice a day three days this week
30 mile bike ride twice this week
Off site training three times this week must be more than one place eg. Aiguille and a gym/ martial art/ dance lesson
Eat according to my blood type three days this week Calastetics with partner 30 mins once this week
Week Eleven:
10 minute stretch warm up twice a day this week 60 pull ups
60 push ups
120 sit ups
^Twice a day three days this week
30 mile bike ride twice this week
Off site training three times this week must be more than one place eg. Aiguille and a gym/ martial art/ dance lesson
Eat according to my blood type three days this week Calastetics with partner 45 mins once this week
Week Twelve:
10 minute stretch warm up twice a day this week 60 pull ups
60 push ups
120 sit ups
^Twice a day three days this week
30 mile bike ride twice this week
Off site training three times this week must be more than one place eg. Aiguille and a gym/ martial art/ dance lesson
Eat according to my blood type three days this week Calastetics with partner 45 mins once this week
Saturday, May 15, 2010
I just watched my good friend graduate from high school...
I have many thoughts. Many more feelings, but under it all is the knowledge that God will care for her no matter where she goes. It is my deepest prayer for her that she will always follow Him first, because I know that He has more blessings lined up for her there. However, no matter where she goes, I hold to His love for her, and His guiding hand in her life. I am so happy to see, my quiet, introverted, humble friend, laugh and joke with strangers tonight. I am always blessed by her smile, it was so uplifting to see her beaming from ear to ear, in spite of her exhaustion. God has truly made a masterpiece in her and I am sure beyond doubt, that He will continue to do so in her as long as she runs with perseverance after His heart. This is for you Nikki. You are a masterpiece dear sister. Never forget His unending love for you. I love you very much dear.
This ones for you beloved sister. May God pour out His blessings upon you with all the awesome measure of His infinite imagination.
I love you very much Nikki, please remember that you have a brother a little ways behind you who is eager to hear every new thing God does in you.
MEGA PHILIA
Tim
I have many thoughts. Many more feelings, but under it all is the knowledge that God will care for her no matter where she goes. It is my deepest prayer for her that she will always follow Him first, because I know that He has more blessings lined up for her there. However, no matter where she goes, I hold to His love for her, and His guiding hand in her life. I am so happy to see, my quiet, introverted, humble friend, laugh and joke with strangers tonight. I am always blessed by her smile, it was so uplifting to see her beaming from ear to ear, in spite of her exhaustion. God has truly made a masterpiece in her and I am sure beyond doubt, that He will continue to do so in her as long as she runs with perseverance after His heart. This is for you Nikki. You are a masterpiece dear sister. Never forget His unending love for you. I love you very much dear.
This ones for you beloved sister. May God pour out His blessings upon you with all the awesome measure of His infinite imagination.
I love you very much Nikki, please remember that you have a brother a little ways behind you who is eager to hear every new thing God does in you.
MEGA PHILIA
Tim
Monday, April 19, 2010
Answered prayer. Number 1 Part 1.
There is so much more over flowing from my heart, yet I feel it is too rich for words, and the richness would be lost if I styfeled it with them.
I will try to risk some soon tho and tell you of an answered prayer and perhaps a little ofwhat God is doing in me right now.
Your prayers are so precious to me. To those of you who are allready, thank you so much. God has been faithful to answer, not only with the quoting of doubt, but also with hope, and joy, and felowdhip. Tothose of you who aren't. If you think of me please send up a prayer on my behalf. God knows how far from perfect I am and I know what power He imploys in answer to prayer. Please pray for me a the Spirit leads you. In the mean time rejoice with me! Our God is a Good god! He loves us and has sanctified us for a Holy purpose. Let us have faith enough, even in the darkness, to hope for a day when Gods glory will outshine the sun and there will no longer be any night for the light of His presence will turn all time to day!
Imago Deo!
Tim
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod
I will try to risk some soon tho and tell you of an answered prayer and perhaps a little ofwhat God is doing in me right now.
Your prayers are so precious to me. To those of you who are allready, thank you so much. God has been faithful to answer, not only with the quoting of doubt, but also with hope, and joy, and felowdhip. Tothose of you who aren't. If you think of me please send up a prayer on my behalf. God knows how far from perfect I am and I know what power He imploys in answer to prayer. Please pray for me a the Spirit leads you. In the mean time rejoice with me! Our God is a Good god! He loves us and has sanctified us for a Holy purpose. Let us have faith enough, even in the darkness, to hope for a day when Gods glory will outshine the sun and there will no longer be any night for the light of His presence will turn all time to day!
Imago Deo!
Tim
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod
Sunday, April 18, 2010
"Sweet is life when all is sane.
Sweet is death to rid the pain.
Sweet is love when all is well.
Cruel is love when all is hell."
-Anonymous
The further from Hell He caries me the saner is my life and the sweeter His love! I have found such worth in Him that the shock of it has cast "spots" throughout my life.
Like the aftermath of a concussion my world is swimming and everything sparkles. I hope He lets me live forever with these symptoms, but I know whatever He has in mind is far greater than this dreamer will ever be able to dream!
Sweet is death to rid the pain.
Sweet is love when all is well.
Cruel is love when all is hell."
-Anonymous
The further from Hell He caries me the saner is my life and the sweeter His love! I have found such worth in Him that the shock of it has cast "spots" throughout my life.
Like the aftermath of a concussion my world is swimming and everything sparkles. I hope He lets me live forever with these symptoms, but I know whatever He has in mind is far greater than this dreamer will ever be able to dream!
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Brief Thoughts on Hamlet [Act III Scene I Line 1814-]
"Why wouldst thou be a breeder of
sinners?...yet I could accuse 1815
me of such things that it were better my mother had not borne me.
I am very proud, revengeful, ambitious; with more offences at my
beck than I have thoughts to put them in, imagination to give
them shape, or time to act them in. What should such fellows as I
do, crawling between earth and heaven? We are arrant knaves all; 1820
believe none of us..."
The Tragedy Of Hamlet Prince Of Denmark [Act III Scene I Line 1814-]
How often have I looked upon myself in such dark misery? What light God has shed upon my sinful state? How shall I ever look upon myself and think of me ill when my salvation, my very self, was purchased at such high price, even by the blood of God Himself in the person of Jesus Christ!? How now shall I live? Not I say, as a man so tormented as he in whom my reflection used to lie. Nay! I shall continue on toward the prise of Christ that I may look in all my being liken to the gift of pardon I have been given. "What should such fellows as I do, crawling between earth and heaven?" I shall take up my cross, and run joyfully into the open arms of my loving Abba in whom I find my worth.
sinners?...yet I could accuse 1815
me of such things that it were better my mother had not borne me.
I am very proud, revengeful, ambitious; with more offences at my
beck than I have thoughts to put them in, imagination to give
them shape, or time to act them in. What should such fellows as I
do, crawling between earth and heaven? We are arrant knaves all; 1820
believe none of us..."
The Tragedy Of Hamlet Prince Of Denmark [Act III Scene I Line 1814-]
How often have I looked upon myself in such dark misery? What light God has shed upon my sinful state? How shall I ever look upon myself and think of me ill when my salvation, my very self, was purchased at such high price, even by the blood of God Himself in the person of Jesus Christ!? How now shall I live? Not I say, as a man so tormented as he in whom my reflection used to lie. Nay! I shall continue on toward the prise of Christ that I may look in all my being liken to the gift of pardon I have been given. "What should such fellows as I do, crawling between earth and heaven?" I shall take up my cross, and run joyfully into the open arms of my loving Abba in whom I find my worth.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Who Am I
I plan to run this in the NCFCA as an Original Oritory. I know it's under time but I don't think adding anything would make it better. What do you think?
Who am I
is a question asked so many times before
by everyone who ever knocked at the door of adulthood
Every day I look around me and too often I see
-people saying
if only I could just be me
Our postmodern prophets tell us to just be ourselves
Our culture is screaming out for help,
but nobody answers them
Cause Im just not that kind of person
Im not strong
or wise
Im no leader
You see the problem with our society is that
we are all so focused on me
Who am I,
What do I want,
What makes me happy,
The err isn’t society
but the question
We are always changing,
growing,
becoming,
We never simply are
I am not who I was when I took this stage
Then I was nervous
Now I am pleading
No
The question is not
Who am I
but Who should I be
Not who do I want me to be
but who does He want me to be
We where all made in the image of God
but If we honestly take a look in mirror
we are all quite infioro
To who He is
Who He wants us to be
We will never learn anything by asking
who am I
when we truly see ourselves it is through Gods eye
And I can’t speak for you
But I do know that I
Am inferior
I am
Broken,
and weak,
and fallen,
and helpless,
But God
They say that is the greatest praise in the Bible
and I strongly agree
because every time we read it we are about to see
Gods glory,
and mercy,
for you and for me
I am shameful
But God paid my debt in full
I am nothing
But God sais that I am beautiful
God sent His Son to a cross
for me
He sent Him to die
so that I can be free
So who am I?
I am a sinner
But God
When God looks at me He sees not who I am
Not my shame
Not me
But Jesus
Jesus blood washed away
who I am
Now He sais follow
Tho Im not sure I can
He sais ‘Just hold tightly to Me with both hands’
And I’ll do the fighting
tho you can’t let go
Many evils will tempt you
but you bust say no
here in this moment my mind is made still
my arguments are silenced
my objections made null
I stand now in silence
what great mystery
How can it be
That the God of creation
is fighting for me
wile I was a sinner
Jesus died for me
Now He sais follow
Through His eyes I see
The destination?...
Is the man I should be.
One question I ask you
one question only
Which will you ask,
Who am I?
or who should I be.
Who am I
is a question asked so many times before
by everyone who ever knocked at the door of adulthood
Every day I look around me and too often I see
-people saying
if only I could just be me
Our postmodern prophets tell us to just be ourselves
Our culture is screaming out for help,
but nobody answers them
Cause Im just not that kind of person
Im not strong
or wise
Im no leader
You see the problem with our society is that
we are all so focused on me
Who am I,
What do I want,
What makes me happy,
The err isn’t society
but the question
We are always changing,
growing,
becoming,
We never simply are
I am not who I was when I took this stage
Then I was nervous
Now I am pleading
No
The question is not
Who am I
but Who should I be
Not who do I want me to be
but who does He want me to be
We where all made in the image of God
but If we honestly take a look in mirror
we are all quite infioro
To who He is
Who He wants us to be
We will never learn anything by asking
who am I
when we truly see ourselves it is through Gods eye
And I can’t speak for you
But I do know that I
Am inferior
I am
Broken,
and weak,
and fallen,
and helpless,
But God
They say that is the greatest praise in the Bible
and I strongly agree
because every time we read it we are about to see
Gods glory,
and mercy,
for you and for me
I am shameful
But God paid my debt in full
I am nothing
But God sais that I am beautiful
God sent His Son to a cross
for me
He sent Him to die
so that I can be free
So who am I?
I am a sinner
But God
When God looks at me He sees not who I am
Not my shame
Not me
But Jesus
Jesus blood washed away
who I am
Now He sais follow
Tho Im not sure I can
He sais ‘Just hold tightly to Me with both hands’
And I’ll do the fighting
tho you can’t let go
Many evils will tempt you
but you bust say no
here in this moment my mind is made still
my arguments are silenced
my objections made null
I stand now in silence
what great mystery
How can it be
That the God of creation
is fighting for me
wile I was a sinner
Jesus died for me
Now He sais follow
Through His eyes I see
The destination?...
Is the man I should be.
One question I ask you
one question only
Which will you ask,
Who am I?
or who should I be.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Strengths Quest Results
Here follows my top five strengths in order. I hope you enjoy and perhaps come to understand me a little better.
AD MAEOREM ET GLORIEM <><
BELIEF
If you possess a strong Belief theme, you have certain core values that are enduring. These values vary from one person to another, but ordinarily your Belief theme causes you to be family-oriented, altruistic, even spiritual, and to value responsibility and high ethics—both in yourself and others. These core values affect your behavior in many ways. They give your life meaning and satisfaction; in your view, success is more than money and prestige. They provide you with direction, guiding you through the temptations and distractions of life toward a consistent set of priorities. This consistency is the foundation for all your relationships. Your friends call you dependable. “I know where you stand,” they say. Your Belief makes you easy to trust. It also demands that you find work that meshes with your values. Your work must be meaningful; it must matter to you. And guided by your Belief theme it will matter only if it gives you a chance to live out your values.
IDEATION
You are fascinated by ideas. What is an idea? An idea is a concept, the best explanation of the most events. You are delighted when you discover beneath the complex surface an elegantly simple concept to explain why things are the way they are. An idea is a connection. Yours is the kind of mind that is always looking for connections, and so you are intrigued when seemingly disparate phenomena can be linked by an obscure connection. An idea is a new perspective on familiar challenges. You revel in taking the world we all know and turning it around so we can view it from a strange but strangely enlightening angle. You love all these ideas because they are profound, because they are novel, because they are clarifying, because they are contrary, because they are bizarre. For all these reasons you derive a jolt of energy whenever a new idea occurs to you. Others may label you creative or original or conceptual or even smart. Perhaps you are all of these. Who can be sure? What you are sure of is that ideas are thrilling. And on most days this is enough.
INTELLECTION
You like to think. You like mental activity. You like exercising the “muscles” of your brain, stretching them in multiple directions. This need for mental activity may be focused; for example, you may be trying to solve a problem or develop an idea or understand another person’s feelings. The exact focus will depend on your other strengths. On the other hand, this mental activity may very well lack focus. The theme of Intellection does not dictate what you are thinking about; it simply describes that you like to think. You are the kind of person who enjoys your time alone because it is your time for musing and reflection. You are introspective. In a sense you are your own best companion, as you pose yourself questions and try out answers on yourself to see how they sound. This introspection may lead you to a slight sense of discontent as you compare what you are actually doing with all the thoughts and ideas that your mind conceives. Or this introspection may tend toward more pragmatic matters such as the events of the day or a conversation that you plan to have later. Wherever it leads you, this mental hum is one of the constants of your life.
STRATEGIC
The Strategic theme enables you to sort through the clutter and find the best route. It is not a skill that can be taught. It is a distinct way of thinking, a special perspective on the world at large. This perspective allows you to see patterns where others simply see complexity. Mindful of these patterns, you play out alternative scenarios, always asking, “What if this happened? Okay, well what if this happened?” This recurring question helps you see around the next corner. There you can evaluate accurately the potential obstacles. Guided by where you see each path leading, you start to make selections. You discard the paths that lead nowhere. You discard the paths that lead straight into resistance. You discard the paths that lead into a fog of confusion. You cull and make selections until you arrive at the chosen path—your strategy. Armed with your strategy, you strike forward. This is your Strategic theme at work: “What if?” Select. Strike.
LEARNER
You love to learn. The subject matter that interests you most will be determined by your other themes and experiences, but whatever the subject, you will always be drawn to the process of learning. The process, more than the content or the result, is especially exciting for you. You are energized by the steady and deliberate journey from ignorance to competence. The thrill of the first few facts, the early efforts to recite or practice what you have learned, the growing confidence of a skill mastered—this is the process that entices you. Your excitement leads you to engage in adult learning experiences—yoga or piano lessons or graduate classes. It enables you to thrive in dynamic work environments where you are asked to take on short project assignments and are expected to learn a lot about the new subject matter in a short period of time and then move on to the next one. This Learner theme does not necessarily mean that you seek to become the subject matter expert, or that you are striving for the respect that accompanies a professional or academic credential. The outcome of the learning is less significant than the “getting there.”
Saturday, November 21, 2009
The Echoe Loudens
This is a raw poem from a very dark time in my life. I have decided to leave it unedited. These are raw feelings and I have decided to leave them raw.
There is in me a pain, a pain that cannot be healed. For the pain is not of brokenness, but of un-wholeness.
Our hearts are a drum with three chambers surrounding our love. Our love is the hammer. Each time we love our hearts are beaten, and the chambers echo. But the echo is pain, it reminds us of what is not there. Echoes only happen in empty places, our hearts where not meant to be empty. There are only two ways to stop the echo. One way to stop the echo is to stop the hammer, I have tried this, but I could not stop loving, I would have to die to stop loving.
The other way to stop the echo is to fill the chambers. The three chambers are various sizes and shapes, and each can be filled by only one thing; there is a whole that can only be filled by God, this is where the Holy Spirit lives. There is also a chamber that can be filled only by you, it is the smallest of all, this is the place for self esteem.
Last is the chamber made for Eros, and can only be filled by "true love". This is where the echo in me lives. It reminds me that I am not full, that my Eros is empty. And it hurts, it is painful beyond words, to have such an emptiness in me. I have tried to medicate the pain, but no matter how hard I looked I could find no companion, no friend, or mentor, to join me in the echo, and help me in my pain. Until now. My prayers have finally been answered, I cried out to The Lord and He has answered my plea. He has given me a companion, a friend to be closer than a brother, that I can be True with, not simply Honest, but True. I now have a person whom I can be completely open with laying every thought bare, and every intention. This is a richos friendship. I now finally, after all my payers for a friend, God has given me a sister.
More pain, the echo gets louder.
I now have someone with whom I can Philia. But that also cannot be, for now instead of my own pain and fear standing between me and the answer to my prayers, my mother does so, fearing that my grate Philia which I have waited for so long will become Eros. It is impossible for me to deny my heart, but it is equally impossible to deny my mother.
The echo grows and will not be silent.
So here, now, in the midst of the growing agony, my aching heart is torn from outside, by two hands, both pull in the name of my heart, one is the hand of my mother, pulling me away from that which she sees as a threat. The other is a hand made up of several wills, my will, to rejoice in the finding of a long sought friend, the will of my 'sister', to rejoice on my behalf, and another will from somewhere deeper, I think within myself, though I cannot be sure.
Still the echo loudens.
As my heart is pulled the chamber stretches, and grows.
Now the echo feels like breaking, the splitting of the bark before the branch snaps. I do not know where the branch will snap, nor where the broken parts will land.
All I know now is pain, and I don't want to think about it.
But if I lie and tell myself there is no pain, there is no breaking, when I, the branch, finally snaps, I will be caught un-prepared to ketch the pieces. Indeed if I do lie to myself, I will be unable to heal, whatever the outcome of my agony.
So still through it all there is still the echo, an echo reminding me of love in fulfilled, an echo telling of what may be ahead. Who would have thought that an echo could hurt so much? And who knows what to do when my heart is being pulled, being broken, by two I love dearly?
The echo loudens and deepens as if to penetrate the core of my heart, I feel that when the echo gets there I, will break.
Be wary of echoes, and always listen to what they tell you.
And still the echo loudens.
A very broken
Tim
Impromptu Thoughts On Abortion
I may throw a wrench into things with this but this is what I believe to be true.
I think the question is a dodge; an attempt to rephrase the subject in such a manner thatis debatable. “Is that flesh alive?” or even “Does it have a soul?”, aren't really the question. The question should be “Can we prove that it's not alive?” It's not a matter of if it's dead; if it is, then we can't kill it let alone murder it. But can we know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the fetus is not a human being with a soul whom we would be murdering to remove and tear apart? Is it reasonable, is it conscionable, to kill that which we can not be sure is dead? If they are right it doesn't matter. If they are wrong however, as most of us believe them to be, for admittedly religious reasons, then they are the worst of murderers and vile human beings who have committed the most heinous crime that can be committed against another human in the taking of a life which is not yet blemished by sins (sin nature is another issue) which has done you no wrong, and with no means of defending themselves. How can we look upon the holocaust and say that was evil and yet be blinded by cheap rhetoric and clever restatement of the issue when it comes to the murder of tens of thousands of innocent human lives. Will we be silent while the hammer of justice denies it's duty? No! We must climb the arm of the legislature, walk along the bridge of law, and jump upon the hammer of American justice until the hand that holds it up becomes too weary to with hold justice from those who deserve it.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
To Write Love On Her Arms [A story of two broken people and God's abundant grace]
This speech is about a story, and a response to a story.
The story is about a princess held captive in a tall tower.
And a few good knights who saved her from her captor.
The princess is named Renee. The knights are Christians. The evil captors, are the powers and principalities of this dark world.
The story is called TO WRITE LOVE ON HER ARMS. It was written by a knight named Jamie Tworkowski.
This is a true story and the power is real.
Renee is 19. When I meet her, cocaine is fresh in her system. She hasn't slept in 36 hours and she won't for another 24. It is a familiar blur of coke, pot, pills and alcohol. She has agreed to meet us, to listen and to let us pray.
She has known such great pain; haunted dreams as a child, the near-constant presence of evil ever since. She has felt the touch of awful naked men, battled depression and addiction, and attempted suicide. Her arms remember razor blades, fifty scars that speak of self-inflicted wounds. Six hours after I meet her, she is feeling trapped, two groups of "friends" offering opposite ideas. Everyone is asleep. The sun is rising. She drinks long from a bottle of liquor, takes a razor blade from the table and locks herself in the bathroom. She cuts herself, using the blade to writeSomething Profane large across her left forearm.
The nurse at the treatment center found the wound several hours later. The centerhad no detox, names her too great a risk, and did not accept her. For the next five days, she is ours to love. We become her hospital and the possibility of healing fills our living room with life. It is unspoken and there are only a few of us, but we will be her church, the body of Christ coming alive to meet her needs, to write love on her arms.
So we took a broken girl, treat her like a famous princess, gave her the best seats in the house. bought her coffee and cigarettes for the coming down, books and bathroom things for the days ahead. Told her something true when all she's known are lies. Told her God loves her. And her about forgiveness, the possibility of freedom, we told her she was made to dance in white dresses. All these things are true.
It’s Renee’s last night with us, She pulls me aside and tells me she would like to give me something. I smile surprised, wondering what it could be.
She hands me her last razor blade, tells me it is the one she used to cut her arm and her last lines of cocaine five nights before. She's had it with her ever since, shares that tonight will be the hardest night and she shouldn't have it.
The instant I read that I knew that this story will stay with me forever. That moment, that gift is why I am here today.
There in the story I was convicted by the fact that healing is possible, and all I have to do is reach out to the broken and love them the way Christ loved me.
Renee’s story is powerful, but it is not alone.
I also dealt with depression and pain.
My father left when I was three years old, and with him left any belief I may have had in Gods benevolence. I never doubted His existence, but I could not understand how God could allow such pain. In my mind, twisted by self pity, I blamed all things dark, or painful, on God. And I hated Him. It hurts me to say it now, but it is the truth. For a long time I hated God, believing that He only existed to bring me pain. I never struggled with substance abuse, but I did engage in a kind of self injury, and thoughts of suicide. When I was young I turned my pain into rage, lashing out at anything that made me feel vulnerable. Needless to say I had few friends growing up, I wouldn't have wanted to be my friend. I remember every-time I saw anyone with their father envy and rage would well up from the depths of my soul, and I would cry, and scream, and hit whatever I could reach, or go where I could reach something hard. I remember one day when I was about five, punching, punching, punching, the exposed brick walls of our house until my hands where bloody and I couldn’t stand the pain any more. In my warped mind I was the victim of a god that chose a few to torment, and left the rest to rub in the faces of the few, Not with my mind, nor with my heart could I believe that God was good. I have a great mother, and had a good church. I didn’t hate people just God. I longed for love, even in my hatred, and there where those who gave it freely. In the end I would not have salvation today if it weren’t for a few great role models.
My road to Christ was not at first voluntary.
As I grew older the pain dulled a little, and I was able to feel love, not only lust after it. As I grew my mom was wise enough to make sure that I was surrounded by good Christian men. Over time I began to realize that every-one I looked up to, every one I admired, trusted the god I hated. They showed me over time, that the god that I hated was not the real God at all. Their love of me, and sacrifice for me, brought me out of that darkness. I was not saved by those Christians, but I still wold not be saved if they hadn’t come down into the fire where I lived, and raised me up before Elohime, the maker of all things new. He not them saved me, but He was at work through them. God is not invisible when His body does His work. Today I am saved, but I was not saved by the Word alone but also the body.
This is my challenge to you.
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