I think its time for the rest of you too get a glimpse of where I've been.
Im still in the furnace and I covet your prayers on my behalf. Right now I am learning to keep my eyes fixed on Christ and live from His heart. Every moment is a fight to believe what I know.
I love you all.
Im sharing this with you because I believe God put us here to be together. We are a community of real people and this isn't a mascerade. For the first time with many of you I am not looking for courage or an answer to my fears. I think it is time for you to know. Guard your hearts. Hold to what you know to be true. Don't let my pain cause you to stumble. Please friends. I want you to wrap because it is good for you to wrap, but do not let the wiping of your eyes move them from Jesus. I love you all too much for that. Please cry with me in worship of the God who loves us enough to deal the deepest hurts.
As He loves you, let it be.
What light can pierce a darkness that it loves?
The light that is love and was pierced to make the darkness worthy.
What is it about times like this that make me wish I where more a poet?
There is safety in mastery of words. I find that I can dull the vacuous echoes of my insufficiency, if I can only convince myself that I know. Really know. The kind of knowing that God has for Himself out of which He created everything and even now rules over it. If only I can make myself believe I have a hint of that kind of knowing, then... Then, I can have an answer for the dragons who spread their wings and breathe burning smoke all around me, their eyes full of ripping and chomping. All of it in malice toward me.
They tell me such convincing lies about my weakness that I far too often believe them.
I am not a fool. Tho I am foolish in many ways, there is a very big gap in that ish.
My strength comes from God...
I know this.
I know this!
But, honestly, I don't really believe He loves me.
Oh yeas! God has a great deal of overwhelmingly powerful affection, a portion of which spills out on me, standing here beside His real children. The ones He really loves.
I want to be His favorite son. I want to be the one He delights in, the one He honors and respects. I want God to admire me. More than anything I want Him to need me.
I need God to have made, me in just such a way that there is something I can do, that is of absolute utmost importance to Him, that He can't do through anybody else.
The problem is, I need Him to do all this for me before I can let myself trust Him, which is the very key to Him doing all this.
God already took away my masculinity once.
God stripped me from my father. He denied me my birthright as the firstborn son of my fathers flesh and I became not a man, but one more of His brainy pets. A plaything for an eternally complete God who doesnt need anything and up and decided that something else ought to need Him.
Instead of the firstborn son of privilege, in an afternoon I became one of the millions of Gods orphans.
I was no longer needed n any level. There was no longer anything only I could do, because I wasn't special anymore.
God ripped away the only thing I needed when I had never had a chance to accept it from Him. He thrust my father on me, then tore Him from me. Somewhere to one side I shattered. I don't need to tell you which side was on.
That moment my three year old heart was forced into a mans world by the blade of a mans sword, wielded by God, being thrust through my heart.
It took me six years to pull that sword out. By that time I had so many other wounds dealt to that same tender flesh that I had already, at the age of nine years old, given up all hope of ever healing.
The wound did eventually close roughly four years later. However the hate I had called to answer it remained.
Over the years I have pulled myself, inch by inch, all these many miles to where I am today.
Don't get me wrong, I haven't been unaided.
Tho I haven't trusted Him, Gd has for the most part stayed by my side.
Even more valuable to me than that, He has also sent me several genuinely epic friendships.
I would very likely be dead right now if it weren't for feeling needed by them, and later loved deeply and selflessly by them.
Recently however God has shown me that He will still pull through for them even if I don't.
It deemed that I had one remaining thing worth dying for, and then God showed me that my death to them really didn't matter anyway. I am just another of God's orphans. Useless, un-needed, unloved.
I need to be more than this.
I need to be more than I can trust God to make me.
I am lost, and scared,wherry, wounded, bleeding out for what I fear will be the last time, and in all of it, God still wont tell me what I need to do.
I need to trust Him.
HOW!
My anger and hate are so fresh again I feel like cursing! My heart lashes like a furious little boy.
Im suspended here in the dark, flailing my feet and fists in the nothing, crying out for seething to connect with.
I love Him more than anything, but I lie Him like I believe He loves me.
I want to trust Him, but.
There is something deep in me that is too afraid to hear.
I listen, knowing that I can decide what to do with it once its come through my brain once. But I still don't trust Him enough to listen.
I don't know how to end this.
Truthfully it shouldn't have one. There isn't any bow.
No resolution.
No wisdom.
No light at all, end of the tunnel be damned.
But still...
End.'>Note: Captives Log
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