I think its time for the rest of you too get a glimpse of where I've been.
Im still in the furnace and I covet your prayers on my behalf. Right now I am learning to keep my eyes fixed on Christ and live from His heart. Every moment is a fight to believe what I know.
I love you all.
Im sharing this with you because I believe God put us here to be together. We are a community of real people and this isn't a mascerade. For the first time with many of you I am not looking for courage or an answer to my fears. I think it is time for you to know. Guard your hearts. Hold to what you know to be true. Don't let my pain cause you to stumble. Please friends. I want you to wrap because it is good for you to wrap, but do not let the wiping of your eyes move them from Jesus. I love you all too much for that. Please cry with me in worship of the God who loves us enough to deal the deepest hurts.

As He loves you, let it be.

What light can pierce a darkness that it loves?
The light that is love and was pierced to make the darkness worthy.

What is it about times like this that make me wish I where more a poet?
There is safety in mastery of words. I find that I can dull the vacuous echoes of my insufficiency, if I can only convince myself that I know. Really know. The kind of knowing that God has for Himself out of which He created everything and even now rules over it. If only I can make myself believe I have a hint of that kind of knowing, then... Then, I can have an answer for the dragons who spread their wings and breathe burning smoke all around me, their eyes full of ripping and chomping. All of it in malice toward me.
They tell me such convincing lies about my weakness that I far too often believe them.
I am not a fool. Tho I am foolish in many ways, there is a very big gap in that ish.
My strength comes from God...
I know this.
I know this!
But, honestly, I don't really believe He loves me.
Oh yeas! God has a great deal of overwhelmingly powerful affection, a portion of which spills out on me, standing here beside His real children. The ones He really loves.
I want to be His favorite son. I want to be the one He delights in, the one He honors and respects. I want God to admire me. More than anything I want Him to need me.
I need God to have made, me in just such a way that there is something I can do, that is of absolute utmost importance to Him, that He can't do through anybody else.
The problem is, I need Him to do all this for me before I can let myself trust Him, which is the very key to Him doing all this.

God already took away my masculinity once.

God stripped me from my father. He denied me my birthright as the firstborn son of my fathers flesh and I became not a man, but one more of His brainy pets. A plaything for an eternally complete God who doesnt need anything and up and decided that something else ought to need Him.
Instead of the firstborn son of privilege, in an afternoon I became one of the millions of Gods orphans.

I was no longer needed n any level. There was no longer anything only I could do, because I wasn't special anymore.

God ripped away the only thing I needed when I had never had a chance to accept it from Him. He thrust my father on me, then tore Him from me. Somewhere to one side I shattered. I don't need to tell you which side was on.

That moment my three year old heart was forced into a mans world by the blade of a mans sword, wielded by God, being thrust through my heart.

It took me six years to pull that sword out. By that time I had so many other wounds dealt to that same tender flesh that I had already, at the age of nine years old, given up all hope of ever healing.

The wound did eventually close roughly four years later. However the hate I had called to answer it remained.

Over the years I have pulled myself, inch by inch, all these many miles to where I am today.
Don't get me wrong, I haven't been unaided.
Tho I haven't trusted Him, Gd has for the most part stayed by my side.
Even more valuable to me than that, He has also sent me several genuinely epic friendships.
I would very likely be dead right now if it weren't for feeling needed by them, and later loved deeply and selflessly by them.
Recently however God has shown me that He will still pull through for them even if I don't.
It deemed that I had one remaining thing worth dying for, and then God showed me that my death to them really didn't matter anyway. I am just another of God's orphans. Useless, un-needed, unloved.
I need to be more than this.
I need to be more than I can trust God to make me.

I am lost, and scared,wherry, wounded, bleeding out for what I fear will be the last time, and in all of it, God still wont tell me what I need to do.
I need to trust Him.
HOW!
My anger and hate are so fresh again I feel like cursing! My heart lashes like a furious little boy.
Im suspended here in the dark, flailing my feet and fists in the nothing, crying out for seething to connect with.
I love Him more than anything, but I lie Him like I believe He loves me.

I want to trust Him, but.

There is something deep in me that is too afraid to hear.
I listen, knowing that I can decide what to do with it once its come through my brain once. But I still don't trust Him enough to listen.

I don't know how to end this.
Truthfully it shouldn't have one. There isn't any bow.
No resolution.
No wisdom.
No light at all, end of the tunnel be damned.
But still...


End.'>Note: Captives Log

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The Axe Of Destiny

Im buying a new guitar! (probably)
I have been playing for almost a ear and my sound has developed beyond the ability of my current guitar to support. So! Im stepping up.
Here are the ones Im looking at.

Damien solo 6Damien Solo 6 SBK

ESP LTD Deluxe EC-1000

Schecter Guitar Research Hellraiser Special

ESP LTD EC-401

Schecter Guitar Research Damien 6 Electric Guitar
Ibanez DN500K Darkstone

What do you guys think? Looks matter too. If you dont think you know enough about guitars to say which one is "best" then please tell me which one you like the most, or which one looks the prettiest to you. I want to hear from everyone! Hopefully you'll see me with it a lot, and so I want you to be as happy with it as I am :)

PS.
For those of you who know what your doing when picking a guitar...
This is only my second guitar and Im still pretty new to it.
I am pretty confident with my playing, but I still have a lot to learn about choosing the best guitar for my style. So, if anyone out there knows anything that could help, please let me know. I play almost exclusively Death metal and Gothic metal, but I also want to learn some symphonic/classical metal. I like my tones heavy and clear. I want the guitar to be concussive, but not noisy. My ear is pretty good for this sort of thing, but I know very little on the technical side of things.

Thanks everyone for your input.
This is a big thing for me and I know you all are behind me :)

Blessing A Rose And The Blessing Of My Sisters

 I want to get my sister Rose something nice to take with her on a great adventure that God has called her to.

I haven't figured out what Im getting her yet

I know how much God used several ICC Interns in my life, and I remember how much I treasured every word or small token they gave to me.

I believe God will use Rose like
He used Queen Helen, or Strider in my life.

I want to send her off with something she can make for those students.
Something that will always remind them of the way God used her in their lives.

do you have any ideas?


I make these bracelets for my sisters

They are a monument to our relationship. A memorial to the truth and context of our love.

...
I have this against purity rings, they can be taken off, easily.
I appreciate the symbolism of making a public and present monument to a covenant with God, but there is something not quite right if it can be hidden or lost.
I wear around my neck a line of 320lb break weight para-cord necklace tied in an inter woven monkeys fist around a steel ball bearing. There is only the one knot,  and it can no be untied or removed. I tied it just tight enough that I can't ever take it off without cutting something, and I fused the ends down into the knot. This thing is seriously tougher than the gordian knot. If good old Alexander the great tried to slice this knot in half he would end up breaking his sword on the steel core without even causing critical failure of the knot.

My bracelets for my sisters are like this purity knot.
But not quite the same. Instead of weaving a single knot from the ends of the rope I tie the knot from the middle to symbolize the love of Christ in us that we both share.

Instead of the two individuals becoming one, it is the one love of Christ for His church becoming one through our love for one another.

The two remaining ends are joined in slip knots around the other string
symbolizing both parties holding to each other like Romans12:10.

because they are slip knots the tighter the tension between them, the tighter the bond holding them together.

The bracelets are made of pink masons line.
The masons line symbolizes an ongoing work
the work of growing closer to God.
The pink symbolizes the perfection of God's love covered by the blood of Jesus Christ who has paid the debt of our sins and given us the strength to love each other as we should.

The knot I wear around my beck no longer has an end. It is one continuous loop around my neck.
The bracelets do have an end.
Unlike my relationship with my wife, which is until death at very earliest (when I mentioned earlier that my necklace can't be removed without something being cut I was speaking of the para cord, and my neck.) my relationship with my sisters will likely come to an end. "For this reason a man must leave his family and cling to his wife.” [Genesis 2:24] It is among my deepest prayers that God will not require I leave their lives entirely, but the relationship will change, growing closer at times, more distant at others. It is because of this that the bracelets are a broken circle. The slip knots allow for movement. The ties can both be untied altogether aswell...

I love my sisters very much, by now you should know that, but the relationship I am blessed to have with them now will not last forever. It is a blessing for this time. And tho the fruit of these relationships will continue to bless me throughout the rest of my life to my very death bed, the vines are in the valleys, and God has called me to conquer mountains. He will call me away from this bliss tho it breaks my heart to think of it now.

So now you know a little more of what my sisters mean to me, and what the bracelets we wear mean. I should probably say that none of these girls are related to me by any other blood than Christ's. They are sisters to me as we are both God's children, and as He gives me a portion of His infinite love to share with them. I do love them very much, and I treasure them among my greatest and most undeserved blessings.
I jump at every chance to bless them.

And that brings me back to blessing Rose and not knowing the best way to do that.

I am somewhat protective of the symbolism in the bracelets, and while I pray often that God will bring richous and loving philial relationships into their lives, and I would be happy if they chose to pass on the blessing of the bracelets to those siblings; I don't want the symbolism of the bracelets to be watered down.

I want to send Rose off with a token that reflects her and reminds those she passes them off the ways God worked through all that He has made her to impact their lives.
I love her dearly, and I know her, I think better than anyone else I know, or have known...  Yet somehow the only thing I can think of that is her art- that is, the most perfect overflow of her spirit, is worship. She loves God so much.
Glorifying Him is the most natural thing for her to do.
I want my gift for her to give to reflect the way she constantly worships God.

Does anyone have any ideas?
Those of you who know my sisters probably know who I'm talking about, but if you want to be sure just ask.

Please be pondering this with me, and pray about it.

I firmly believe that God will bless many people through my sister HannahM. I am determined to do my very best to make that blessing as lasting and as special as she is to me.

-Ad augusta per angusta-

Lewis Strikes Again

This is the last glass of tea tonight. I promise. (it's 6:43am)
I've allready forceably, and against my will, closed the cover on my copy of God In The Dock. I highly recamend this book. It's simply... Well, it's the best of Lewis. It's the Christian worldview, not exactly simply, but clearly, without the muck of philosophical abstractions who's primery importance in the big picture is the amusement of the arguers. I've just been reading Lewis's essay titled Miracles. I deem this an absolute must read for every Christian who has lived for any amount of time within a "western civilization." The vastness of God's miraculous acting in "our" world is astonashing. To put in in my own words - God is like a masturful pianist, and creation is His insturment. But sometimes He does something unexpected. Occaisionally He will reach out, and hammer the strings directly instead of letting the piano do the same thing in a more "normal" way. Sometimes He even plucs them, or plays upon them with a bow. All in perfect time, each bringing new flavor to the masturpiece He is performing. Let's not close our ears to every sound that isn't "normal" for a piano to make. Let us allways keep at the forefront of our minds the reality of the Pianist.


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Personal Fitness Merit Badge Fitness Plan

Pers Fit is one of the last big merit badges between me and the rank of Eagle Scout. The two major requirements are "

1. Outline a comprehensive 12-week physical fitness program using the results of your fitness tests. Be sure your program incorporates the endurance, intensity, and warm-up guidelines discussed in the Personal Fitness merit badge pamphlet. Before beginning your exercises, have the program approved by your counselor and parents.
1. Complete the physical fitness program you outlined in requirement 7. Keep a log of your fitness program activity (how long you exercised; how far you ran, swam, or biked; how many exercise repetitions you completed; your exercise heart rate; etc.). Repeat the aerobic fitness, muscular strength, and flexibility tests every two weeks and record your results. After the 12th week, repeat all four tests, record your results, and show improvement in each one. Compare and analyze your preprogram and postprogram body composition measurements. Discuss the meaning and benefit of your experience, and describe your long-term plans." (from http://meritbadge.org/wiki/index.php/Personal_Fitness#Personal_Fitness_Requirements)

Here it is. What do you think?

Week One:

     10 minute stretch warm up twice a day this week

     15 pull ups

     15 push ups

     30 sit ups

        ^Twice a day three days this week

     20 mile bike ride

     Off site training two days a week [Aiguille]

     Eat according to my blood type two day this week

Week Two:

     10 minute stretch warm up twice a day this week

     15 pull ups

     15 push ups

     30 sit ups

        ^Twice a day three days this week

     20 mile bike ride

     Off site training two days a week [Aiguille]

     Eat according to my blood type two day this week

Week Three:

     10 minute stretch warm up twice a day this week

     25 pull ups

     25 push ups

     50 sit ups

        ^Twice a day three days this week

     20 mile bike ride

     Off site training two days this week

     Eat according to my blood type two day this week     

Week Four:

     10 minute stretch warm up twice a day this week

     30 pull ups

     30 push ups

     60 sit ups

        ^Twice a day three days this week

     15 mile bike ride twice this week

     Off site training three days this week

     Eat according to my blood type three days this week

Week Five:

     10 minute stretch warm up twice a day this week

     30 pull ups

     30 push ups

     60 sit ups

        ^Twice a day three days this week

     15 mile bike ride twice this week

     Off site training three days this week

     Eat according to my blood type three days this week

Week Six:

     10 minute stretch warm up twice a day this week

     40 pull ups

     40 push ups

     80 sit ups

        ^Twice a day three days this week

     20 mile bike ride twice this week

     Off site training three days this week

     Eat according to my blood type three days this week

Week Seven:

     10 minute stretch warm up twice a day this week

     50 pull ups

     50 push ups

     100 sit ups

        ^ Twice a day three days this week

     25 mile bike ride twice this week

     Off site training three times this week must be more than one place eg. Aiguille and a gym/ martial art/ dance lesson

     Eat according to my blood type three days this week

Week Eight:

     10 minute stretch warm up twice a day this week

     50 pull ups

     50 push ups

     100 sit ups

        ^ Twice a day three days this week

     25 mile bike ride twice this week

     Off site training three times this week must be more than one place eg. Aiguille and a gym/ martial art/ dance lesson

     Eat according to my blood type three days this week

     Calastetics with partner 30 mins once this week

Week Nine:

     10 minute stretch warm up twice a day this week

     50 pull ups

     50 push ups

     100 sit ups

        ^ Twice a day three days this week

     25 mile bike ride twice this week

     Off site training three times this week must be more than one place eg. Aiguille and a gym/ martial art/ dance lesson

     Eat according to my blood type three days this week

     Calastetics with partner 30 mins once this week

Week Ten:

     10 minute stretch warm up twice a day this week

     60 pull ups

     60 push ups

    120 sit ups

        ^Twice a day three days this week

     30 mile bike ride twice this week

     Off site training three times this week must be more than one place eg. Aiguille and a gym/ martial art/ dance lesson

     Eat according to my blood type three days this week

     Calastetics with partner 30 mins once this week

Week Eleven:

     10 minute stretch warm up twice a day this week

     60 pull ups

     60 push ups

    120 sit ups

        ^Twice a day three days this week

     30 mile bike ride twice this week

     Off site training three times this week must be more than one place eg. Aiguille and a gym/ martial art/ dance lesson

     Eat according to my blood type three days this week

     Calastetics with partner 45 mins once this week

Week Twelve:

     10 minute stretch warm up twice a day this week

     60 pull ups

     60 push ups

    120 sit ups

        ^Twice a day three days this week

     30 mile bike ride twice this week

     Off site training three times this week must be more than one place eg. Aiguille and a gym/ martial art/ dance lesson

     Eat according to my blood type three days this week

     Calastetics with partner 45 mins once this week

I just watched my good friend graduate from high school...
I have many thoughts. Many more feelings, but under it all is the knowledge that God will care for her no matter where she goes. It is my deepest prayer for her that she will always follow Him first, because I know that He has more blessings lined up for her there. However, no matter where she goes, I hold to His love for her, and His guiding hand in her life. I am so happy to see, my quiet, introverted, humble friend, laugh and joke with strangers tonight. I am always blessed by her smile, it was so uplifting to see her beaming from ear to ear, in spite of her exhaustion. God has truly made a masterpiece in her and I am sure beyond doubt, that He will continue to do so in her as long as she runs with perseverance after His heart. This is for you Nikki. You are a masterpiece dear sister. Never forget His unending love for you.  I love you very much dear.
This ones for you beloved sister. May God pour out His blessings upon you with all the awesome measure of His infinite imagination.
I love you very much Nikki, please remember that you have a brother a little ways behind you who is eager to hear every new thing God does in you.
MEGA PHILIA
Tim

Answered prayer. Number 1 Part 1.

There is so much more over flowing from my heart, yet I feel it is too rich for words, and the richness would be lost if I styfeled it with them.

I will try to risk some soon tho and tell you of an answered prayer and perhaps a little ofwhat God is doing in me right now.
Your prayers are so precious to me. To those of you who are allready, thank you so much. God has been faithful to answer, not only with the quoting of doubt, but also with hope, and joy, and felowdhip. Tothose of you who aren't. If you think of me please send up a prayer on my behalf. God knows how far from perfect I am and I know what power He imploys in answer to prayer. Please pray for me a the Spirit leads you. In the mean time rejoice with me! Our God is a Good god! He loves us and has sanctified us for a Holy purpose. Let us have faith enough, even in the darkness, to hope for a day when Gods glory will outshine the sun and there will no longer be any night for the light of His presence will turn all time to day!
Imago Deo!
Tim

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"Sweet is life when all is sane.
Sweet is death to rid the pain.
Sweet is love when all is well.
Cruel is love when all is hell."
-Anonymous

 The further from Hell He caries me the saner is my life and the sweeter His love! I have found such worth in Him that the shock of it has cast "spots" throughout my life.
Like the aftermath of a concussion my world is swimming and everything sparkles. I hope He lets me live forever with these symptoms, but I know whatever He has in mind is far greater than this dreamer will ever be able to dream!

Brief Thoughts on Hamlet [Act III Scene I Line 1814-]

"Why wouldst thou be a breeder of
sinners?...yet I could accuse 1815
me of such things that it were better my mother had not borne me.
I am very proud, revengeful, ambitious; with more offences at my
beck than I have thoughts to put them in, imagination to give
them shape, or time to act them in. What should such fellows as I
do, crawling between earth and heaven? We are arrant knaves all; 1820
believe none of us..."
The Tragedy Of Hamlet Prince Of Denmark [Act III Scene I Line 1814-]
How often have I looked upon myself in such dark misery? What light God has shed upon my sinful state? How shall I ever look upon myself and think of me ill when my salvation, my very self, was purchased at such high price, even by the blood of God Himself in the person of Jesus Christ!? How now shall I live? Not I say, as a man so tormented as he in whom my reflection used to lie. Nay! I shall continue on toward the prise of Christ that I may look in all my being liken to the gift of pardon I have been given. "What should such fellows as I do, crawling between earth and heaven?" I shall take up my cross, and run joyfully into the open arms of my loving Abba in whom I find my worth.