3:20am

Sleep may come easy to a weary man's flesh, but what sleep is there that can mend a heart!? Healing comes in living but these nights are too long. I wait here in the mourning before morning and gasp at a hope in a song! I cant hear my breathing. These minutes just drag on... Until, I decide to break the silence. The strings of my lute whisper. "There is hope in this sad song."

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Night Out

Well that was, interesting! Just got back from a night out with some new local friends. We went to a hookah bar to send off Nicky as she leaves for a film in Miami tomorrow. What was interesting is that I've never smoked hookah before. I had a good time, enjoyed the hookah. I'll pay attention to how my voice reacts over the next couple of weeks. I think it might actually help my singing voice. I can already put a lot more volume into singing, but the pitch is off and my range is lessoned. This will be interesting. :puts On goggles: Its time for SCIENCE!!

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6:30am.

Alone in the dark.
Classic guitar riffs, anthems of a genera,fading softly into the shadows.
Beyond the light of a single dim bulb the mess of a life I never wanted, sprawls across the floor of my room. Hiding in the shadows are a million memories I didn't choose. Haunting thoughts of should haves and ought to be..
I wish there where a friend in those shadows.
Anyone who could bring joy back to stillness.
Silence, stillness,beautiful things who's beauty passes through my fingers like the darkness all around me.
Alone with shadows and songs I know I'm not enough.
Which composer was it that said "silence is perfect music."?
...Only if the lister isn't alone.

why

What good is why?
How can't help me.
When and where don't make since!
What I've just described.
Who...
Who else?

I have a lot of stupid mistakes in my trash bin, but the things that hurt..
The things that should have been, aren't because God made them so.

I don't know where im going with these words.
Right now its as if the bulb is feeding off them and if I stop writing the shadows will overtake my tiny patch of light.

WHY GOD?
Why don't You love me?
Why can't You love me because I am Your son?
Why can't you love me as the man I am instead of a burned out shell for the man You really love?
I don't want to surrender to death at the hands of my replacement.
You haven't given me any experience of the love of a father, but I know that's not the love this little boy's broken heart bleeds for with moaning too deep for hearing and crying too deep for tears.

I LOVE YOU DADDY!
I wanna love Jesus too, but I hate Him because You choose Hims instead of me.

How can I love You when you will only love me as I am like Jesus?

I so want to God.
With everything I am, but that will never be what You desire.

...
Why

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